Fall Reading — The Joy of Storytelling, Let it Sooth Your Soul

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My reading schedule has picked up a bit. But I find myself being drawn to darker stories. Historic stories. Stories of meaning and purpose. Stories that have a gravity a pull of some sort. Earlier this year I thought I’d take on the Yale literature program and do their required reading schedule just for fun. It seemed like such a fantastical kind of dream but one that has remained unfulfilled with my acting career, work schedule and acting class needs. For me time became evermore elusive. But I must say I have read more than I thought I would. My goal outside of the Yale project was to read 30 books. So far I’ve read 25 books of the 30, not bad. Here is my fall reading list. I just love fall. I have a feeling it’s going to be dark:

* Carthage — Joyce Carol Oats
* Natchez Burning – Greg Iles
* The Invention of Wings – Sue Monk Kidd
* The Call of The Wild – Jack London
* White Fang – Jack London
* Of Human Bondage – W. Somerset Maugham
* The Goldfinch – Donna Tart
* One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel García Márquez

It was very hard for me to compile this list and I am a bit ambitious since Fall starts on September 22 and ends December 20th. That is 8 books in 13 weeks while rehearsing and opening in a play, auditioning, acting class, and day job. I think I can I do it. We shall see. Do you have any suggestions for my wild card?

 

{Image Credit: Smithsonian Institute}

A Glimpse At My Summer

tumblr_lxk1ixwYYo1r9iv4so1_500This has been one of my better summers. Let me first begin by saying I love rituals. I love me a good old ritual, so this Summer I started a new ritual….A Summer Intention List. Well it was a good idea at the start of summer but not much of it actually survived.   So that ritual probably won’t make it next year.  But on to what I really enjoyed this summer:

 The movies 22 Jump Street, Lucy, Dawn of The Planet of the Apes

The return of the TV show Suits

Auditioning for The New Girl — Yeah!

Meeting 3 new Casting directors

Working on the play Women of Manhattan

Going to Daily Love Live!

Re-reading A Return To Love

Reading the book E-Squared and doing the worksheets. So much fun!

Started working with a manager, lets see how this goes

Performing in a staged reading of Joyce Carole Oats’ I Stand Before You Naked

Getting back into my morning run regime

What made your summer this year. I’d love to know

Who are you? Who am I? Random thoughts on acting from the Heart

skitchHow well would you say you know yourself? As an actor my job is to study the human condition and reveal what I’ve learned through the medium of film or the stage. But I think before we can tell someone’s story we should at least be able to tell our own. So what are the ingredients of a good actor. Well there are many books, theories, ‘methods’ of study that define this. Much of which is from highly reputable sources, so much more so than myself. I am a beginner, still learning this craft of acting. But from what I’ve been taught and from what I’ve gleaned from the mouths of those I worship in this field. A major component of the craft is the ability to observe. To study, to see.

My acting teacher often tells a story about Al Pacino’s answer to the question, how does one play drunk. What did Al say… you get up and be drunk! I love that story and I often think about it. To get up and do it, wouldn’t we first have to see? But if we are not willing to see ourselves how can we see another? Can we see another if we don’t see ourselves?

I’ve been ‘looking’ at myself lately.  Actually for most of this year I’ve taken seminars, read books, observed the observer, ie me.  I’ve dived deeper into the spiritual, the “paranormal”, the scientific on this quest to discover who I am and why I am and where am I really? I’ve had some amazing revelations about my-SELF.  Some wonderful, some embarrassing, and evidently I feel I’ve had such a growth spurt this year. Where I was cold and distant I feel more warmth (sometimes hot & steamy actually!). Where I was guarded I’m more open. No  more rules to who or what can come into my life.  Because one of the major lessons I got this year is NON-ATTACHMENT. Nothing lasts forever. People, places, things come and go. Ebb and flow. So I’ve been more open in the heart center knowing if it’s uncomfortable or upsetting it’ll be gone soon. If its ecstatic  or breathtaking let in deep, deep, it’ll be gone soon.

And consequently I’ve probably had one of the best showcase experiences in a while. On stage and off stage. Off stage backstage where the real drama can be I lost me temper never, why because I’m having an moment, an experience and I need to savor it because it will be gone soon. On stage I was free, flowing with divine instinct. I allowed my SELF to have to the orgasmic pleasure of  a live audience, because it will be gone soon.

So I’m going deep into the deep. My motto

“Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me” Psalm 42:7

Who new the Bible could be so erotic.

 

With Passion,

 

Full of Grace, Happy Easter

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Hello, Hello, Hello,

And Happy Easter.  I’ve been  super busy as of late. Our show Wild Songs & Naked Souls got extended. I’ve been revamping my business, taking agent meetings since shaking up my representation. Needless to say I am in a time of transition, change, and uncertainty. None of which feels good. But I am trying to do things differently this time. Instead of labeling this as hard, uncomfortable, nerve wrecking. I’m making a choice to go through it differently, I’m choosing to go through this with grace.

I grew up very, very religious and now I consider myself spiritual. As I was laying in bed, meditating and asking for this discomfort to be removed I was told my grace is sufficient for thee.  I got up and looked up the scripture to get the full context.  And it was a conversation between Paul and God, spirit, your higher self, whatever you want to refer to it as. He was asking for the thorn to be removed from his side and God responded

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

What I really love is Paul’s enlightenment as I realizes how he can see this differently,

That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I agree and this point a view, this slight changing the way I see a situation has really been a saving grace. This has been my mantra,  My grace is sufficient for you. So I accept that and will carry that with me until I am through this. I do my work, send out my pictures, resume, I still get my hustle on, but without the anxiety and worry.  For as A Course in Miracles says,

Those who are certain of the outcome can afford to wait, and wait without anxiety.

I’ll let you know how my search for new and better suited representation evolves.  Till next time have a great Easter

 

Fathers, Addiction, Relationships, Forgiveness

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I am in a pickle indeed! So here I am again caught in an emotional play of ethics. I have a friend. We’ve been friends for a few years. During that time our friendship has been turbulent to say the least. It is certainly one of those soul mate relationships that teach you the hard lessons. Oh yes I have learned many lessons from this person over the course of our friendship. My most powerful, life changing, thought provoking, painfully catastrophic lessons.  For sometime now our friendship has cooled. It was very turbulent but its now very cool and mellow. We’ve both withdrawn to live our lives, yet the connection and bond is still there.

I had discovered that this friend of mine who has an addiction issue, and has picked up the habit again, intensely. I discovered it last year. I wanted to say something. I still want to say something but I can’t, I don’t know what to say or to whom.  The last time this happened this persons father discovered it because other co-workers spoke up, unethical practices with company money was being done if you get my drift, and it is now as well in my belief. At the time it destroyed the company, employees left, moral was depleted.  Now its happening again but this time they’re smarter, like most addicts are and the tracks are being covered, most of the employee’s work from home or out of town, with the exception of myself. I know what’s going on but I can’t prove it per se.

Part of me wants to jump in and fix this, stop this. I want to say something to his father, say something to them. Another part of me wants to just say nothing, move on with my life.  As I noted before this friendship has been the cause of much pain in my life. So I say to myself this is Karma, they’re life is falling apart and they have to dig themselves out of this. I remind myself of all the mean, hurtful things they have done in the past, the betrayals and I say to myself, well they deserve this. Then I think of all the kind things, and supportive things they’ve done. I remind myself that we are all weak in some areas.  Life is not always black and white, but a bit gray at times. And wasn’t this person there when I was dealing with an addiction of my own.  They stepped in emotionally and financially to help me. I know they weren’t there all the time or when I thought they should have been, but who the hell is! (I gotta get over that one!).

Another thing is that this makes me think of my father, also an addict. I couldn’t figure out why my friend gets under my skin as they can, but I realized they are a mirror of my father. I think back to the last time I say my father, I went to visit him in rehab in 2000.  I was so happy to see him, I didn’t care that he was there I was just happy to see him. He said a few words to me gave me some money and proceeded to chat with my Mum, the usual. I became invisible I couldn’t believe it. I said to myself in my heart this is the last time I’m seeing him, I’m through and I haven’t seen him since. My aunts and uncle found me on Facebook and connected us we spoke on the phone a few times, but I knew it would happen, he would stop calling. I knew not to get attached, I was right, but I also didn’t put effort into it. I was tired of being the one doing the work fixing. I wanted him to come after me, not me always after him.

I don’t know if this method was right or not. I guess I haven’t figured out how to handle these types of relationships. Perhaps walking away from my father wasn’t the answer. Maybe I thought I’ll leave before he does this time. I don’t know what my thinking was. But I do know I haven’t figured it out since this issue has again showed up in my life in the form of my friend. I want to heal this part of my life I just don’t know what the answer is.

I know there is a lesson here, I want to learn it, but damn it I don’t know what it is

Women Before Marrigae, Women After Marriage

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I came across this article by a woman who had been married with two kids for 20 years and is now newly divorced.

As I read through the article my heart ached. However, I am not sure as to why. Was it the fact the she now in her mid-life had to “start over” or was it that she was in this relationship for most of her life yet not being fulfilled.
I have been perpetually single for quite sometime. And as of late I’ve really taken an interest in relationships, the dynamics of them. And what I’ve noticed is that many of the people I’ve observed should not be in the relationships they’re in. People are really living less than happy, less than joyful lives in these relationships. But why?I don’t consider myself picky. To be quite honest I hadn’t been exposed to many relationship that do “work” ie my parents (though it works for them!). So I’ve become quite determined in waiting for the right relationship. More on this later in a next post. I want to get back to this article.
Anyhow she goes on to discuss lessons she thinks women should learn as they rebuild their singledom. As I went down the list I realize that I do most if not all of those things. Is there something that happens when you get married where suddenly the below disappears. I wonder.  Or perhaps it has to do with marrying to early for the wrong reasons. I don’t know but something about this article made me  uneasy. I feel a lot women are living this and that saddens me. I think of all of the friends I’ve had in the last two years how have rushed into marriage with kids and I wonder what are you really building, creating with this relationship, this family. Is it real, is it true, is it sound. Maybe I’m being a silly romantic but I feel everyone should have thriving relationships were both people are happy. So why do we make the wrong choice. I don’t know. Here is here list of things every woman should do for herself and my thoughts.

  • Learn that you are beautiful
I don’t have a problem with this one. I mean everyone has their bad days but for the most part I feel pretty good about myself and the way I look.  But I often wonder how will I feel when I’m older. Will I still be desired, and will I be sad if I’m not. Will I be happy with the way I look. Sometimes I am frightened by the future and sometimes I feel it will be fine. Today I have a little fear.
  • Learn to say “Thank you.”
Yes I learned this lesson a while ago, though it did take some time. Accept compliments with thank you NOT justifications
  • Learn to say “No, thank you.”
I love this one, just because someone shows interest I don’t have to follow through. I’ve recently learned this one. If I’m interested I will act on it, if I’m not well thank you but, no thank you
  • Learn that sex doesn’t have to mean love
I really like this one. But I’m a prude anyway. At this point I’m only sleeping with someone I’m committed with. That’s where I am at this point. I’ve been the other, single women you know what I mean pretending to sleep as they leave! But I’m moving into another era for me.
  • Learn to sleep comfortably in your own bed
I often think sharing a bed with someone every night. I must really be in love if I do that. I need my space. I have a routine when I go to bed, when I wake up. This one worries me!
  • Learn to do things by yourself
I need to learn to do things with others. I do like just taking off and exploring. They will have to understand that I may not want to be with them all the time. I love my alone time a little too much. Another thing that worries me about “living” with someone. What about my alone time. Where do you go when you need to just be with your thoughts. This is going on my list someone who understands my need for alone time.
  • Learn to stand on your own two feet
Thank God I learned this lesson young. My biological father was not what you would call dependable so early on I learned I can’t depend on men. I was young so the message was extreme. I’ve since dealt with those trauma’s and I know that there are men I can depend on. BUT what having that kind of father did for me was it made me very independent and taught me to take care of myself.  So even though he was never there for me NEVER. I can say thank you, you taught me a great lesson
  • Learn to love yourself again
I think we all need this one. I’m learning this now. I made a vow that this time alone will be spent nourishing myself and my dreams. I want to be whole when I meet love. Work in progress
Here is a quote I’ve chosen for the new year. It is the cover of my journal so I”m a constantly reminded
“knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.”  Bell Hooks
{Image Credit: Mind Body Green}