Fathers, Addiction, Relationships, Forgiveness

PicMonkey Collage

I am in a pickle indeed! So here I am again caught in an emotional play of ethics. I have a friend. We’ve been friends for a few years. During that time our friendship has been turbulent to say the least. It is certainly one of those soul mate relationships that teach you the hard lessons. Oh yes I have learned many lessons from this person over the course of our friendship. My most powerful, life changing, thought provoking, painfully catastrophic lessons.  For sometime now our friendship has cooled. It was very turbulent but its now very cool and mellow. We’ve both withdrawn to live our lives, yet the connection and bond is still there.

I had discovered that this friend of mine who has an addiction issue, and has picked up the habit again, intensely. I discovered it last year. I wanted to say something. I still want to say something but I can’t, I don’t know what to say or to whom.  The last time this happened this persons father discovered it because other co-workers spoke up, unethical practices with company money was being done if you get my drift, and it is now as well in my belief. At the time it destroyed the company, employees left, moral was depleted.  Now its happening again but this time they’re smarter, like most addicts are and the tracks are being covered, most of the employee’s work from home or out of town, with the exception of myself. I know what’s going on but I can’t prove it per se.

Part of me wants to jump in and fix this, stop this. I want to say something to his father, say something to them. Another part of me wants to just say nothing, move on with my life.  As I noted before this friendship has been the cause of much pain in my life. So I say to myself this is Karma, they’re life is falling apart and they have to dig themselves out of this. I remind myself of all the mean, hurtful things they have done in the past, the betrayals and I say to myself, well they deserve this. Then I think of all the kind things, and supportive things they’ve done. I remind myself that we are all weak in some areas.  Life is not always black and white, but a bit gray at times. And wasn’t this person there when I was dealing with an addiction of my own.  They stepped in emotionally and financially to help me. I know they weren’t there all the time or when I thought they should have been, but who the hell is! (I gotta get over that one!).

Another thing is that this makes me think of my father, also an addict. I couldn’t figure out why my friend gets under my skin as they can, but I realized they are a mirror of my father. I think back to the last time I say my father, I went to visit him in rehab in 2000.  I was so happy to see him, I didn’t care that he was there I was just happy to see him. He said a few words to me gave me some money and proceeded to chat with my Mum, the usual. I became invisible I couldn’t believe it. I said to myself in my heart this is the last time I’m seeing him, I’m through and I haven’t seen him since. My aunts and uncle found me on Facebook and connected us we spoke on the phone a few times, but I knew it would happen, he would stop calling. I knew not to get attached, I was right, but I also didn’t put effort into it. I was tired of being the one doing the work fixing. I wanted him to come after me, not me always after him.

I don’t know if this method was right or not. I guess I haven’t figured out how to handle these types of relationships. Perhaps walking away from my father wasn’t the answer. Maybe I thought I’ll leave before he does this time. I don’t know what my thinking was. But I do know I haven’t figured it out since this issue has again showed up in my life in the form of my friend. I want to heal this part of my life I just don’t know what the answer is.

I know there is a lesson here, I want to learn it, but damn it I don’t know what it is


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s