Women Before Marrigae, Women After Marriage

I came across this article by a woman who had been married with two kids for 20 years and is now newly divorced.

As I read through the article my heart ached. However, I am not sure as to why. Was it the fact the she now in her mid-life had to “start over” or was it that she was in this relationship for most of her life yet not being fulfilled.
I have been perpetually single for quite sometime. And as of late I’ve really taken an interest in relationships, the dynamics of them. And what I’ve noticed is that many of the people I’ve observed should not be in the relationships they’re in. People are really living less than happy, less than joyful lives in these relationships. But why?I don’t consider myself picky. To be quite honest I hadn’t been exposed to many relationship that do “work” ie my parents (though it works for them!). So I’ve become quite determined in waiting for the right relationship. More on this later in a next post. I want to get back to this article.
Anyhow she goes on to discuss lessons she thinks women should learn as they rebuild their singledom. As I went down the list I realize that I do most if not all of those things. Is there something that happens when you get married where suddenly the below disappears. I wonder.  Or perhaps it has to do with marrying to early for the wrong reasons. I don’t know but something about this article made me  uneasy. I feel a lot women are living this and that saddens me. I think of all of the friends I’ve had in the last two years how have rushed into marriage with kids and I wonder what are you really building, creating with this relationship, this family. Is it real, is it true, is it sound. Maybe I’m being a silly romantic but I feel everyone should have thriving relationships were both people are happy. So why do we make the wrong choice. I don’t know. Here is here list of things every woman should do for herself and my thoughts.

  • Learn that you are beautiful
I don’t have a problem with this one. I mean everyone has their bad days but for the most part I feel pretty good about myself and the way I look.  But I often wonder how will I feel when I’m older. Will I still be desired, and will I be sad if I’m not. Will I be happy with the way I look. Sometimes I am frightened by the future and sometimes I feel it will be fine. Today I have a little fear.
  • Learn to say “Thank you.”
Yes I learned this lesson a while ago, though it did take some time. Accept compliments with thank you NOT justifications
  • Learn to say “No, thank you.”
I love this one, just because someone shows interest I don’t have to follow through. I’ve recently learned this one. If I’m interested I will act on it, if I’m not well thank you but, no thank you
  • Learn that sex doesn’t have to mean love
I really like this one. But I’m a prude anyway. At this point I’m only sleeping with someone I’m committed with. That’s where I am at this point. I’ve been the other, single women you know what I mean pretending to sleep as they leave! But I’m moving into another era for me.
  • Learn to sleep comfortably in your own bed
I often think sharing a bed with someone every night. I must really be in love if I do that. I need my space. I have a routine when I go to bed, when I wake up. This one worries me!
  • Learn to do things by yourself
I need to learn to do things with others. I do like just taking off and exploring. They will have to understand that I may not want to be with them all the time. I love my alone time a little too much. Another thing that worries me about “living” with someone. What about my alone time. Where do you go when you need to just be with your thoughts. This is going on my list someone who understands my need for alone time.
  • Learn to stand on your own two feet
Thank God I learned this lesson young. My biological father was not what you would call dependable so early on I learned I can’t depend on men. I was young so the message was extreme. I’ve since dealt with those trauma’s and I know that there are men I can depend on. BUT what having that kind of father did for me was it made me very independent and taught me to take care of myself.  So even though he was never there for me NEVER. I can say thank you, you taught me a great lesson
  • Learn to love yourself again
I think we all need this one. I’m learning this now. I made a vow that this time alone will be spent nourishing myself and my dreams. I want to be whole when I meet love. Work in progress
Here is a quote I’ve chosen for the new year. It is the cover of my journal so I”m a constantly reminded
“knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.”  Bell Hooks
{Image Credit: Mind Body Green}

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