Twilight zone?

Here’s the gun.

Here’s my foot.

Ready.

Aim.

Fire!

Sometimes I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. Tell me if this has ever happened to you. I’m sure it hasn’t right .  Weight loss. I’ve struggled with it since I’ve known myself. So this spring I made a commitment to make a change and I did. I was doing really well. I lost all the weight I had gain, so I’d gotten myself back to my normal weight. I was very excited by this. I had been losing steadily and was on my way to loosing new weight, ooooh.  Then my weigh in day came and I had gained 2 pounds.  What did I do wrong. I ate pretty much the same thing and did my work out. I was more consistent than ever.

O.k no problem. Weight loss is funny it goes up down then stabilizes. So I kept going and I stuck with it and it took me two weeks to lose that weight. So here I was again at the threshold. From here on in I would be moving forward making progress toward my goal. And then it happened again. I gained 3 pounds. WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!  After looking through my food journal I realized I had been adding additional food items,much of which contained sugar! But in sneaky ways.

My acting teach refers to this as not being able to have it. That’s right you can’t have it. I couldn’t have the compliments I started to get. I couldn’t have the fact that I was moving fast toward my goal. I couldn’t have it. There is a saying that goes, how you do one thing is how you do everything. So I’ve been looking at my weight loss conundrum and comparing it to my acting career. I can see definitely there are times where I did the work I killed myself to get that agent or get that audition and what. I’m late, I’m sick, procrastinate, don’t prepare. I find anyway to shoot myself in the foot. CAN’T HAVE IT.

If the medical industry really wanted to make money they’d invent a pill that cures can’thaveitness.  So here I am ready to give up again and throw in the towel.  But I had a revelation. The world wasn’t keeping me back. I was keeping me back. So all the times in the past that I had given up, it was because I had shot my own self in the foot. I was making progress, I was moving ahead, the only reason I wanted to give up was because I tired myself out by camping out in the twilight zone. It’s that space of time right after you’ve made a commitment to change and just before you reach a goal or another milestone towards your goal. I want to get out of it. Fast!  But the only way out is through.

So here I go again. I am betting on myself that I will make my target in my career and my weight. They seem to mirror each other. The last time I had lost an abundance of weight, about 30 pounds. I made the commitment to become and actor and  moved to New York to study acting. Great opportunities flooded to me and I took them and they’ve all brought me to where I am today. When I stopped focusing on my weight and I guess stopped taking care of myself in a way, my career was effected too. Hmmm. I’m sure there are books on this syndrome. If you have recommendations let me know.

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