Full of Grace, Happy Easter

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Hello, Hello, Hello,

And Happy Easter.  I’ve been  super busy as of late. Our show Wild Songs & Naked Souls got extended. I’ve been revamping my business, taking agent meetings since shaking up my representation. Needless to say I am in a time of transition, change, and uncertainty. None of which feels good. But I am trying to do things differently this time. Instead of labeling this as hard, uncomfortable, nerve wrecking. I’m making a choice to go through it differently, I’m choosing to go through this with grace.

I grew up very, very religious and now I consider myself spiritual. As I was laying in bed, meditating and asking for this discomfort to be removed I was told my grace is sufficient for thee.  I got up and looked up the scripture to get the full context.  And it was a conversation between Paul and God, spirit, your higher self, whatever you want to refer to it as. He was asking for the thorn to be removed from his side and God responded

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

What I really love is Paul’s enlightenment as I realizes how he can see this differently,

That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I agree and this point a view, this slight changing the way I see a situation has really been a saving grace. This has been my mantra,  My grace is sufficient for you. So I accept that and will carry that with me until I am through this. I do my work, send out my pictures, resume, I still get my hustle on, but without the anxiety and worry.  For as A Course in Miracles says,

Those who are certain of the outcome can afford to wait, and wait without anxiety.

I’ll let you know how my search for new and better suited representation evolves.  Till next time have a great Easter

 

Things that make you go hmmm #7

My goodness! It has been a whirlwind couple of weeks. I thought I’d lighten up by posting something fun :)  As anyone else felt all this weirdness, I mean I’ve gone through some heavy emoting the past few weeks and I am certainly ready for more fun. There’s a lot of change afoot. A great show running and agent meetings. I am praying the spring brings me all that I want. Enjoy

  1. Cute animal pics get me every time!
  2. Another reason to love Bill Gates. A world with no poverty, ambitious.
  3. Ever wonder how to spot a deal at Costco. Look at this.
  4. Now that’s what I call recycling.
  5. I can’t help it, I love Panda’s

  Have a fab weekendea065-lips-clip-art-16

Fathers, Addiction, Relationships, Forgiveness

PicMonkey Collage

I am in a pickle indeed! So here I am again caught in an emotional play of ethics. I have a friend. We’ve been friends for a few years. During that time our friendship has been turbulent to say the least. It is certainly one of those soul mate relationships that teach you the hard lessons. Oh yes I have learned many lessons from this person over the course of our friendship. My most powerful, life changing, thought provoking, painfully catastrophic lessons.  For sometime now our friendship has cooled. It was very turbulent but its now very cool and mellow. We’ve both withdrawn to live our lives, yet the connection and bond is still there.

I had discovered that this friend of mine who has an addiction issue, and has picked up the habit again, intensely. I discovered it last year. I wanted to say something. I still want to say something but I can’t, I don’t know what to say or to whom.  The last time this happened this persons father discovered it because other co-workers spoke up, unethical practices with company money was being done if you get my drift, and it is now as well in my belief. At the time it destroyed the company, employees left, moral was depleted.  Now its happening again but this time they’re smarter, like most addicts are and the tracks are being covered, most of the employee’s work from home or out of town, with the exception of myself. I know what’s going on but I can’t prove it per se.

Part of me wants to jump in and fix this, stop this. I want to say something to his father, say something to them. Another part of me wants to just say nothing, move on with my life.  As I noted before this friendship has been the cause of much pain in my life. So I say to myself this is Karma, they’re life is falling apart and they have to dig themselves out of this. I remind myself of all the mean, hurtful things they have done in the past, the betrayals and I say to myself, well they deserve this. Then I think of all the kind things, and supportive things they’ve done. I remind myself that we are all weak in some areas.  Life is not always black and white, but a bit gray at times. And wasn’t this person there when I was dealing with an addiction of my own.  They stepped in emotionally and financially to help me. I know they weren’t there all the time or when I thought they should have been, but who the hell is! (I gotta get over that one!).

Another thing is that this makes me think of my father, also an addict. I couldn’t figure out why my friend gets under my skin as they can, but I realized they are a mirror of my father. I think back to the last time I say my father, I went to visit him in rehab in 2000.  I was so happy to see him, I didn’t care that he was there I was just happy to see him. He said a few words to me gave me some money and proceeded to chat with my Mum, the usual. I became invisible I couldn’t believe it. I said to myself in my heart this is the last time I’m seeing him, I’m through and I haven’t seen him since. My aunts and uncle found me on Facebook and connected us we spoke on the phone a few times, but I knew it would happen, he would stop calling. I knew not to get attached, I was right, but I also didn’t put effort into it. I was tired of being the one doing the work fixing. I wanted him to come after me, not me always after him.

I don’t know if this method was right or not. I guess I haven’t figured out how to handle these types of relationships. Perhaps walking away from my father wasn’t the answer. Maybe I thought I’ll leave before he does this time. I don’t know what my thinking was. But I do know I haven’t figured it out since this issue has again showed up in my life in the form of my friend. I want to heal this part of my life I just don’t know what the answer is.

I know there is a lesson here, I want to learn it, but damn it I don’t know what it is

Women Before Marrigae, Women After Marriage

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I came across this article by a woman who had been married with two kids for 20 years and is now newly divorced.

As I read through the article my heart ached. However, I am not sure as to why. Was it the fact the she now in her mid-life had to “start over” or was it that she was in this relationship for most of her life yet not being fulfilled.
I have been perpetually single for quite sometime. And as of late I’ve really taken an interest in relationships, the dynamics of them. And what I’ve noticed is that many of the people I’ve observed should not be in the relationships they’re in. People are really living less than happy, less than joyful lives in these relationships. But why?I don’t consider myself picky. To be quite honest I hadn’t been exposed to many relationship that do “work” ie my parents (though it works for them!). So I’ve become quite determined in waiting for the right relationship. More on this later in a next post. I want to get back to this article.
Anyhow she goes on to discuss lessons she thinks women should learn as they rebuild their singledom. As I went down the list I realize that I do most if not all of those things. Is there something that happens when you get married where suddenly the below disappears. I wonder.  Or perhaps it has to do with marrying to early for the wrong reasons. I don’t know but something about this article made me  uneasy. I feel a lot women are living this and that saddens me. I think of all of the friends I’ve had in the last two years how have rushed into marriage with kids and I wonder what are you really building, creating with this relationship, this family. Is it real, is it true, is it sound. Maybe I’m being a silly romantic but I feel everyone should have thriving relationships were both people are happy. So why do we make the wrong choice. I don’t know. Here is here list of things every woman should do for herself and my thoughts.

  • Learn that you are beautiful
I don’t have a problem with this one. I mean everyone has their bad days but for the most part I feel pretty good about myself and the way I look.  But I often wonder how will I feel when I’m older. Will I still be desired, and will I be sad if I’m not. Will I be happy with the way I look. Sometimes I am frightened by the future and sometimes I feel it will be fine. Today I have a little fear.
  • Learn to say “Thank you.”
Yes I learned this lesson a while ago, though it did take some time. Accept compliments with thank you NOT justifications
  • Learn to say “No, thank you.”
I love this one, just because someone shows interest I don’t have to follow through. I’ve recently learned this one. If I’m interested I will act on it, if I’m not well thank you but, no thank you
  • Learn that sex doesn’t have to mean love
I really like this one. But I’m a prude anyway. At this point I’m only sleeping with someone I’m committed with. That’s where I am at this point. I’ve been the other, single women you know what I mean pretending to sleep as they leave! But I’m moving into another era for me.
  • Learn to sleep comfortably in your own bed
I often think sharing a bed with someone every night. I must really be in love if I do that. I need my space. I have a routine when I go to bed, when I wake up. This one worries me!
  • Learn to do things by yourself
I need to learn to do things with others. I do like just taking off and exploring. They will have to understand that I may not want to be with them all the time. I love my alone time a little too much. Another thing that worries me about “living” with someone. What about my alone time. Where do you go when you need to just be with your thoughts. This is going on my list someone who understands my need for alone time.
  • Learn to stand on your own two feet
Thank God I learned this lesson young. My biological father was not what you would call dependable so early on I learned I can’t depend on men. I was young so the message was extreme. I’ve since dealt with those trauma’s and I know that there are men I can depend on. BUT what having that kind of father did for me was it made me very independent and taught me to take care of myself.  So even though he was never there for me NEVER. I can say thank you, you taught me a great lesson
  • Learn to love yourself again
I think we all need this one. I’m learning this now. I made a vow that this time alone will be spent nourishing myself and my dreams. I want to be whole when I meet love. Work in progress
Here is a quote I’ve chosen for the new year. It is the cover of my journal so I”m a constantly reminded
“knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.”  Bell Hooks
{Image Credit: Mind Body Green}

Flaming your passion

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I’ve been in rehearsal for a new show. Wild Songs & Naked Souls. I’ve never done anything like this before and though I’m not terrified, I am somewhat nervous. Nervous isn’t the right word, but I feel …… well nervous. The show is a collection of poetry and love letters and the like being dramatized. I love the concept, I’m my apprehension, yes that’s what I feel apprehension, is about not having done this before. Well that’s not exactly it either. Perhaps it’s not being familiar with the world of poetry and prose and the writers we are working with.

You see I grew up in The Bahamas and my family was not exactly what you  would call artistic. They were/are blue collar hard working middle class people. But I’ve always gravitated towards the arts. From I’ve known myself I’ve been an artist.  However, since I did not have access to a lot of these love letters, poetry and such that we’re working with, I feel a bit out of my league, which I hate feeling. This is really funny because I’ve always wanted to be this kind of artist. You know the artsy fartsy type that goes religiously to theater, and sits reading 17th century love letters and other obscure literature. Please I know I’m so pretentious!

And yet though I’m doing the artsy fartsy thing that I dreamed of, I’m so insecure about my performance because I haven’t had the experience with it. I haven’t been sitting in a coffee shop reading poetry and love letters. But I could have been, because I’m here. I’m in America in Los Angeles.  O.k L.A doesn’t really count I suppose because let’s face it, this city is not known for people lounging in coffee houses reading poetry!

My point is, and I’m getting to it, I think my feelings are coming from that fact that somewhere along the line I lost the vision of the kind of artist I wished to be. When I lived in The Bahamas and didn’t have direct access to AlbeeFranz Kafka and Pablo Neruda. I would spend my last dime trying to find those books, spend crazy amount of money to get them shipped to me on the island, etc. And now that I’m here in America and have those things at my fingertips, I haven’t been as voracious about it. I have an acting teacher that lives this stuff and is constantly imploring us to dig in. I could go directly to any Library and get a Neruda or go to the theater, yet I’m not. I remember saving up all my money to go to New York for a few days to see a play on Broadway. And now that I’m here I’m not seeing the plays as much. Not as hungry for the poetry.

I’ve thought about why this is and the first thing that came to mind is I allowed the daily grind to get to me. You see creating a career as an actor, an artist, takes a lot of work. And I’ve been bogged down in the “work” of it and I allowed my passion to be suppressed.  The day job, the life stuff, I allowed it all little by little to smother my flames. I’m not as revved up as I was before. Albeit I’ve noticed this from sometime, but I just didn’t know how to fix it. We all need to get the bills paid so I can’t exactly dispose of the day job.  And to be perfectly honest I can’t exactly blame all of this on the job because not only are they superbly flexible with me they are aware of my passion and don’t get in the way. So I can’t really blame anything, anyone but myself.

So how do you keep a fire going. Blow on it, poke the wood around a bit, stir things up. This show is my re-awakening, the rebirth of the flames of my artsy fartsy self!

{Photo Credit: Denishawn Collection/The New York Public Library}

Things that make you go hmmm #6

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It has been one of those emotional weeks. I don’t know if its the mercury retrograde effect. But I have been an emotional mess!  Luckily we start production on a new show  Wild Songs & Naked Souls opening on March 1st. I’m excited to be in rehearsals and can’t wait to see how this project evolves. For now here are some things that made me smile.

  1. I love this pieces on where TV characters live and if they really can afford it. Olivia Pope Can!
  2. This has to be the tiniest, well styled house I’ve ever seen.
  3. Yet another reason to love dogs.
  4. I love Martin Scorsese and I love New York. Gotta love this visual letter.
  5. What really makes up a credit report anyway. Now I know

As always have a fab weekend ea065-lips-clip-art-16

{Image Credit The Everygirl}

Things that make you go hmmm #5

 

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Happy Valentines Day,

I hope you’re enjoying this day of love. Though every day should be a day of love, shouldn’t it? And what about the long weekend! Any plans? I have some. I’m going to spend a day at the this spa. And I’m going to my desire map book club meeting. Do you now who Danielle LaPorte is? If you haven’t read the desire map then check it out, I’m loving it.

  1. Need to figure out what’s a reasonable tip to leave. This may come in handy especially this weekend.
  2. Here is a unique gift, these flowers would last a lifetime.
  3. Have you seen this reenactment of classic films by this German retirement community?
  4. You might need these apps after spending money on Valentine’s Day!
  5. Some gorgeous places you never new existed. Beautiful!

Have a fab weekend ea065-lips-clip-art-16